{"id":2222,"date":"2016-02-11T22:53:56","date_gmt":"2016-02-12T04:53:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2222"},"modified":"2016-02-11T22:56:07","modified_gmt":"2016-02-12T04:56:07","slug":"dear-presbyterian-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2016\/02\/dear-presbyterian-church\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Presbyterian Church"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Presbyterian Church of the United States,<\/p>\n

First I should explain that I am not really a Presbyterian, or any sort of church goer for that matter.\u00a0 I would classify myself more as a spiritual atheist and a cultural Christian.\u00a0 My family, however, has had a long history with the Presbyterian Church in my home town.\u00a0 Now, in honor of my mother I am a member of the Carillon bell choir that she founded almost 50 years ago.\u00a0 So about every six weeks, I find myself sitting in a pew on Sunday.<\/p>\n

I try, really try to stay focused on the worship, but I\u2019ve got to say that the prayer of confession at the beginning is nothing but dreary negativity.\u00a0 I already know that I can be a better person; every day I try to recognize my debts and trespasses and forgive those of others, deliver myself from evil and hope I have the wisdom to know the difference.\u00a0 So why not start the service by celebrating positive accomplishments?\u00a0 While watching a college football game the other day, I noticed an array of stickers on the players\u2019 helmets that recognized individual achievements like an open field tackle or a successful blitz.\u00a0 I imagined a young man swelling with pride as the coach put the first sticker on the blank canvas of his helmet.\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019m not looking for something as ostentatious as a sticker since I also embrace the Church’s enthusiasm for humility, but even a horse needs a lump of sugar now and then.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So now during the opening prayer, I don\u2019t beat myself up but instead focus on what I am grateful for.\u00a0 I appreciate the efficiency of a monotheistic God who is in charge of everything, but I try to get very specific like our polytheistic ancestors who prayed to an entire pantheon of Gods, each responsible for a different aspect of daily life.\u00a0 Far from the big flashy concepts of love, family or community, like my ancient ancestors I try to recognize individual underappreciated factors, those infrastructural details that allow us to be human.\u00a0 I am quite enthusiastic with what I came up.<\/p>\n

Sphincters.<\/p>\n

Sphincters\u00a0are circular muscles that create tight seals that open and close as needed.\u00a0 If you want a visual representation of a closed sphincter, find someone who plays a brass instrument and ask them to demo their lips when they hit a high note.\u00a0 For an example of the type of pressure that a sphincter can maintain, visualize the dramatic plume of pressurized air spouting from the blow hole of a whale when the sphincter pops open.<\/p>\n

The sphincters sprinkled along our intestinal tract are one of Nature\u2019s (or God\u2019s if you prefer) most clever designs.\u00a0 As I sat in my pew, I realized that anal sphincters, equipped with both involuntary and voluntary control, are an engineering feat of staggering genius and an absolute prerequisite for any social animal living in a confined space.\u00a0 Just think about it \u2013 voluntary sphincter control was a key infrastructural step to a social society.\u00a0 Quite simply, in the human world, you cannot shit where you live and a dinged up sphincter results in embarrassment and social isolation.<\/p>\n

Our sphincters are responsible for continence.\u00a0 And Dear Presbyterians imagine my pleasure to discover that continence is considered one of the \u201cEleven Fruits of the Holy Spirit.\u201d\u00a0 Now of course I realize that in the setting of spirituality, continence refers to self control, i.e. not coveting the neighbor\u2019s house or wife, so I hope you don\u2019t object that I interpreted continence in an anatomic context.\u00a0 This is my practical side speaking.<\/p>\n

As I sat in my pew I idly scanned the hymnal and was surprised and pleased to realize that with a little wordsmithing \u2013 specifically subbing in the word sphincter for God \u2013 some rousing Presbyterian hymns can be repurposed to pay suitable homage.\u00a0 Please understand that I do not mean to be flippant or blasphemous, but I don\u2019t believe that it would be inappropriate to give thanks to this key infrastructural element.\u00a0 I can\u2019t imagine my life without properly functioning sphincters, and I am forever grateful.\u00a0 I have provided some examples below.<\/p>\n

Respectfully yours,<\/p>\n

Liza Blue<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Based on\u00a0Now Thank We All Our Gods<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Now thank we all our sphincters with hearts and hands and voices<\/p>\n

What wondrous things they do, in whom this world rejoices;<\/p>\n

It\u2019s Mother Nature\u2019s gift and every day we pray<\/p>\n

Our sphincters stay intact until our dying day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Based on Morning Has Broken<\/em><\/strong>:<\/p>\n

My sphincter has broken, I\u2019m in mourning<\/p>\n

My body has spoken, don\u2019t like what I heard<\/p>\n

I pray for the doctoring, pray night and morning<\/p>\n

I pray for solutions, bring me back to the world.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Based on the\u00a0The Saints of God<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I sing a song of sphincters all, faithful and brave and strong<\/p>\n

Who toil for us deep within the whole of our good lives long<\/p>\n

You can meet them in crannies, nooks or crevasse<\/p>\n

In the stomach or bladder, but that one in the ass<\/p>\n

Has the wisdom to discern a solid from a gas, \u00a0if it’s gas, it can let it pass<\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>Share: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Presbyterian Church of the United States, First I should explain that I am not really a Presbyterian, or any sort of church goer for that matter.\u00a0 I would classify myself more as a spiritual atheist and a cultural Christian.\u00a0 … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2222","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pot-pouri"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-zQ","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2222","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2222"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2222\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2224,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2222\/revisions\/2224"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2222"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2222"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2222"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}