{"id":2258,"date":"2016-03-30T10:03:53","date_gmt":"2016-03-30T15:03:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2258"},"modified":"2016-03-30T10:04:36","modified_gmt":"2016-03-30T15:04:36","slug":"easing-into-the-back-nine-of-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2016\/03\/easing-into-the-back-nine-of-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Easing into the Back Nine of Life"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sixty is a magical number, the six and the zero plumply nestled together and then flanked by the stern prime numbers 59 and 61.\u00a0 And 60 is so accommodating, evenly divisible by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6; the next number in this sequence is the remote 420.\u00a0 The pleasing proportions of 60 might have prompted the ancient Babylonians to adopt it as the basis of their number system, whose lasting legacy is 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour and 360 degrees in a circle.<\/p>\n

I came of age in the 1960s, and now I want my very own sixties to be just as magical, to be all about me once again.\u00a0 After all I have successfully navigated the transition from my sandwiched responsibilities to the generations on either side of me \u2013 children now self-sufficient adults, parents peacefully gone.\u00a0 Blessed with good health and stability, I anticipated that my 60s would be a time of reinvention and personal growth.<\/p>\n

And yet, and yet, our culture keeps reminding me that the previous generation has fallen and mine is \u201cnext up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some messages are subtle.\u00a0 There are few movies that appeal to me anymore, certainly not the special effects laden summer offerings. And there is the sobering shock of seeing remakes of movies I had seen the first time around.\u00a0 Maybe I am being oversensitive, but at some restaurants I sense that we are seated off the side so that we don\u2019t drag down the average age and visually dampen a youthful vibe.\u00a0 I have clearly fallen outside the target 18 to 54 year-old demographic so coveted by marketers.<\/p>\n

Other messages have been more direct – brochures for senior living complexes, or solicitations for AARP membership.\u00a0 But the most explicit hit to my growing sense of mortality was the little 4 X 6 envelope from the \u201cNeptune Society.\u201d My first thought was that the society had something to do with the planet Neptune, or perhaps this was some sort of SCUBA diving society named for the God of the Sea.\u00a0 Intrigued, I opened the letter and was startled to see that this society was \u201cAmerica\u2019s Most Trusted Cremation Service.\u201d\u00a0 Then several days later, I received another similar looking envelope that made no effort to disguise its trade \u2013 \u201cAmerican Cremation Services.\u201d<\/p>\n

During my occasional bouts of insomniac late night TV, I have snickered at the ads for insurance policies for \u201cfinal expenses,\u201d but now various cremators were aggressively courting my business.\u00a0 What makes me such a ripe target?\u00a0 Has Google\u2019s hair trigger put out the hit based on my recent internet search on the stars and planets?\u00a0 Maybe I used the word \u201cgrave\u201d in a recent post, as in a \u201cgrave concerns.\u201d \u00a0Maybe Google knows more about me than I do.<\/p>\n

When the second, third and then fourth envelope arrived, I could no longer avoid the signals and decided to spend some quality time with the promotional material.\u00a0 Both letters used the same coded vocabulary of late night TV ads \u2013 final expenses, resting place, \u201cwhen the time comes,\u201d security, trust. The Neptune Society used floral-edged paper accented with a hazy picture of a man playing ring-around-the-rosie with a group of children.\u00a0 The American Cremation Services\u2019 stationery was bordered by scenes of a contemplative\u00a0gray-haired man overlooking a mountain vista.\u00a0 Both offered a sweepstakes whose prize was a free cremation. \u00a0The Neptune Society proudly announced that Marvin E. Brown had won last month\u2019s prize, while Wilma Sue Kirma had won the American Cremation\u2019s Services\u2019 sweepstakes.<\/p>\n

\"Ring<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I had recently bought a ticket for the record billion-dollar Powerball lottery and had predictably lost, so I thought that I could enhance my winning percentage by participating in what I assumed would be a much smaller pool.\u00a0 But wait!\u00a0 In my lifetime at most I can expect to be lucky enough to win a single lottery or sweepstakes.\u00a0 Why blow my single winning chance on a prepaid cremation?\u00a0 I declined to enter and went out and bought another powerball ticket.<\/p>\n

Membership in the Neptune Society goes for $2500. \u00a0However, a call to my local crematorium revealed that this fee is more than double the going rate.\u00a0 The Neptune Society suggests that this locked-in fee protects the forward-thinking member from the ravages of inflation.\u00a0 In addition, they offer the benefit of managing the cremation wherever you happen to keel over.\u00a0 The only exceptions are Antarctica, Vietnam and North Korea.<\/p>\n

My husband Nick spotted an ad in the local paper announcing that the Neptune Society was hosting a free luncheon seminar at a nearby Olive Garden restaurant.\u00a0 I thought what the hell, at the very least this would be an interesting sociology field trip, so off I went on a beautiful fall day to hear about cremation and death.\u00a0 I was surprised to find only five of us and one man of suspect hygiene only seemed to be interested in the free lunch.\u00a0 Why did I think that this seminar would attract dozens?\u00a0 Ken, the presenter, launched into his pitch.\u00a0 He did not mince words, no euphemisms like \u201cfinal expenses\u201d or \u201cpre-need planning.\u201d\u00a0 We heard about death, not demise, not final rest, but resolutely death, death, death, but it wasn\u2019t morbid.\u00a0 After all we were a self-selected group of people willing to confront our own mortality.<\/p>\n

Nobody even cringed when Ken described the Society\u2019s bonus features, which include such amenities as a free cremation for a child or grandchild who predeceases a member.\u00a0 He then noted that if a member burns up in some sort of fiery crash leaving no body to further cremate, the heirs would be refunded the $2500.\u00a0\u00a0 These grisly scenarios seemed entirely logical and thoughtful.<\/p>\n

Ken finished the presentation by mentioning the Neptune\u2019s Society\u2019s underwater memorial reef located three miles off the Miami coast.\u00a0 Here the company has tapped into an unrealized real estate opportunity by constructing an artificial submerged \u201clost city\u201d complete with decaying columns, arches, steps and even two lions guarding the \u201centrance,\u201d similar to the proud lions in front of the Art Institute of Chicago.\u00a0 The ashes are embedded in cement and placed inside a column, bench or artificial starfish and memorialized with a plaque.\u00a0 Multiple sets of ashes can be placed in a column, and the Neptune Society notes this would be suitable for an entire family, similar in concept to a conventional cemetery plot.\u00a0 As with any real estate deal, the fee depends on the location.\u00a0 The anatomically correct lion is the most expensive spot.\u00a0 The structures in the reef are designed to attract fish and other marine life to an otherwise \u201cdesolate ocean floor,\u201d and this watery cemetery multitasks as a popular dive site.<\/p>\n

\"lion\"<\/a>\"starfish\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Ken called a break so that we could savor our glutinous pasta and I introduced myself to my neighbor.\u00a0 She was a social worker about my age, working in the area of elder care, and also a new widow.\u00a0\u00a0 I had recently gone through an extensive end-of-life experience with my parents, so I immediately felt we had much in common.\u00a0\u00a0I opened the conversation with a topic in keeping with the overall tenor of the lunch.\u00a0 \u201cSo Jane,\u201d I said, \u201chow do you want to die?\u201d<\/p>\n

The anonymity of the overlit room in this shabby Olive Garden and the fact we would never see each other again, enabled us to talk freely, to test out lurking thoughts before springing them on family and friends.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t mind a smash and grab strategy,\u201d I said, \u201cmuch preferable to some sort of \u2018no end in sight scenario.\u2019\u00a0 I remember what my Grandfather said when his 85-year-old friend died suddenly on the golf course.\u00a0 \u2018Oh how nice for him.\u2019 I think Grampy was jealous.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jane shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cI think maybe I\u2019d like a week\u2019s or month\u2019s notice. Good byes, affairs in order, that sort of thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

We were not philosophers considering lofty questions on the meaning of life or death, we were just two 60 year olds curious about the circumstances of the inevitable transition between the two.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know the way the dogs have,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cSometimes they just quietly wander off and lay their bones down and die.\u00a0 I\u2019ve seen it happen a couple of times.\u00a0 Once it was my uncle\u2019s dog and he disappeared in the winter snow.\u00a0 We searched and searched, but we never found any tracks.\u00a0 I think that I might like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

There was one point that we agreed on \u2013 we clearly wanted to avoid the giant sucking vortex of the medical industrial complex in favor of something simple and elegant. As we chatted along, I felt like we had invited Mortality to join us at the table.\u00a0 She sat there comfortably listening to us, her long legs casually stretched out and crossed at her bony ankles.\u00a0 She was no intimidating grim reaper with shrouded hood and sharpened sickle, but a distinguished looking older women, who actually looked like my gentle grandmother. \u00a0I hoped she was taking notes on my wishes.<\/p>\n

She cleared her throat and spoke in a soothing whisper.\u00a0 \u201cLadies, I can only tell you that I will come back and visit you both at some time in the next thirty years.\u00a0 Timing is difficult so I can\u2019t make any promises.\u00a0 But I would add please make it easy for me, don\u2019t make me bang down the door. \u00a0I do my best and most satisfying work when I can be a comforting presence at your last breath.\u00a0 You might even find it interesting.\u201d<\/p>\n

She got up and misted away as the waiter cleared our plates and Ken asked if there were any final questions.\u00a0 Jane and I shook hands and wished each other luck for the rest of our lives.<\/p>\n

The subject did not come up again until several months later when our 30-year-old son Ned returned from a financial planning conference that focused on the costs of retirement, including second to die insurance, health insurance, long-term care insurance, basically how to make sure you don\u2019t go broke in your twilight years.\u00a0 \u201cBoy it costs a lot of money to die,\u201d he commented.<\/p>\n

I turned to him and said, \u201cHere is my goal.\u00a0\u00a0On time and under budget.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhatever you say, Mom, but just not early, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

The missing words in the following poem are anagrams (i.e. share the same letters like spot, post, stop) and the number of asterisks indicates the number of letters.\u00a0 Your job is to solve the missing words based on the above rules and the context of the poem.\u00a0 Scroll down for answers.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I hit sixty, I began to think about how much time might ******<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Until the final thunderclap, perhaps a mishap or a sudden collapse.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Or maybe I\u2019ll be peacefully ****** when I bite the dust,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Something low-tech, elegant and efficient, no muss and no fuss.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

****** don\u2019t think me odd, we\u2019ve all thought of the nature of death,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

As for me, I want \u201con time and under budget\u201d to be my final epithet.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Answers: elapse, asleep, please<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>Share: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sixty is a magical number, the six and the zero plumply nestled together and then flanked by the stern prime numbers 59 and 61.\u00a0 And 60 is so accommodating, evenly divisible by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6; the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[32,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2258","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-such-is-life","category-what-i-did"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-Aq","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2258","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2258"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2258\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2264,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2258\/revisions\/2264"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}