{"id":2404,"date":"2016-08-30T17:32:13","date_gmt":"2016-08-30T22:32:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2404"},"modified":"2016-08-30T17:32:16","modified_gmt":"2016-08-30T22:32:16","slug":"open-letter-to-the-neighbor-who-put-a-bag-of-dog-shit-in-my-purse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2016\/08\/open-letter-to-the-neighbor-who-put-a-bag-of-dog-shit-in-my-purse\/","title":{"rendered":"Open Letter to the Neighbor Who Put a Bag of Dog Shit in My Purse"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"dog-poop-bags\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Neighbor,<\/p>\n

First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize for my dog.\u00a0 It was an entirely innocent mistake, but I also realize how you might have misconstrued the situation. We had just arrived at our cabin after a long drive and I was taking our dogs for a walk.\u00a0 I momentarily lost control of them as I stopped briefly to give another neighbor a welcoming hug.\u00a0 The dogs ran ahead to the beach in front of your picture window.\u00a0 I can imagine your disgust as three generations of your family collectively watched our dog crouch and deposit a well-crafted poop into your sand.\u00a0 I was unaware of this grievous misdeed when I caught up to the dogs.<\/p>\n

I can offer testimonials from other neighbors who will verify that I am meticulous about picking up after our dogs. I have even attended to other dogs\u2019 deposits.\u00a0 I would have immediately responded if you had popped your head out of the door and directly asked me to pick up.\u00a0 Instead you elected to let me pass by, then went out to the beach and picked up the poop yourself.<\/p>\n

Perhaps you were originally going to dispose of the offending item in your garbage can, but now with bag in hand, you reconsidered.\u00a0 Feces are a powerful motivator.\u00a0 The phrase \u201cDon\u2019t shit where you live,\u201d neatly encapsulates the evolutionary and cultural mandates for any social animal living in a confined space, so I understand how unattended shit could prompt retaliation. \u00a0As I walked away you headed in the other direction across the footbridge and back to my cabin.<\/p>\n

It was a beautiful night along the remote shores of Lake Superior. \u00a0Far from any city lights the smear of the Milky Way was highlighted by the profoundly black sky.\u00a0 \u00a0I imagine that on other nights you might have wandered out to the footbridge to look for shooting stars and lingered in the hope of seeing the Northern Lights. But instead you were stomping along the bridge with the sand-encrusted, piping-hot bag of shit rhythmically swaying in your hand and tapping against your leg.\u00a0 Picking up a dump is inherently humiliating, the humiliation further deepened when it\u2019s someone else\u2019s. \u00a0Perhaps the wafting fragrance fueled your anger.\u00a0 This was not what you wanted to be doing on your hard-earned vacation.\u00a0 I get it.<\/p>\n

When you arrived at our cabin, how did you choose where to deposit your fetid bag? This was a big decision.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure you realize that the power of shit escalates when you make it personal.\u00a0 The hood of the car, the lid of the garbage can or the porch would have been neutral spots, but when you nestled that dog shit in my purse, you made it personal, turned a marginally acceptable but teachable moment into a vindictive act.\u00a0 Okay, it wasn\u2019t exactly a purse, it was really a tote bag, but now my toothbrush, hairbrush, address book and cell phone were separated from feces by only a thin and permeable layer of plastic.<\/p>\n

Perhaps you had worked yourself into a seething fit of pique over the time bomb left on your beach \u2013 so much so that the shit in the purse actually represented restraint on your part.\u00a0 I suppose you could have lain in wait and flung the bag at me, like the frustrated ape in the zoo, or in scene from the Godfather, placed the bag like the head of a horse onto our pillow.\u00a0 Perhaps I was lucky to escape further escalation.\u00a0 If so, thank you for your consideration. \u00a0As it was, I calmly plucked the poop from my bag and placed it in the garbage. No harm, no foul.<\/p>\n

Please be reassured that I am writing with good humor and a forgiving heart.\u00a0 You see, I have struggled to control identical impulses.\u00a0 At home, I often cross paths with an aggressive Doberman whose owner steadfastly refuses to leash his dogs as required by park regulations. \u00a0His consistent disregard for etiquette has prompted me to consider sabotaging his walks. \u00a0As I stand there gazing at his big black Escalade, I touch the bag of my own dog\u2019s shit idling in my pocket and feel it transform into a handy weapon, a grenade without a pin. Glancing to my right and left, I think how easy it would be to skulk over to his car and discharge my weapon with a big smear across his windshield.\u00a0 So far I have just barely held off and held on to my dignity.\u00a0 In the future I hope you would also refrain from weaponizing feces. \u00a0My advice \u2013 just don\u2019t let a bag of dog shit turn you into a person you don\u2019t want to be.<\/p>\n

Warm regards from your neighbor,<\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/p>\n

Liza Blue<\/p>\n

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Dear Neighbor, First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize for my dog.\u00a0 It was an entirely innocent mistake, but I also realize how you might have misconstrued the situation. We had just arrived at our cabin after a … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mcsweeney-rejects"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-CM","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2404"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2404\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2407,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2404\/revisions\/2407"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}