{"id":2497,"date":"2017-02-01T22:36:34","date_gmt":"2017-02-02T04:36:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2497"},"modified":"2017-02-01T22:38:38","modified_gmt":"2017-02-02T04:38:38","slug":"lists-bad-christmas-songs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2017\/02\/lists-bad-christmas-songs\/","title":{"rendered":"Lists: Bad Christmas Songs"},"content":{"rendered":"

On December 23rd, I set out on a solo drive 360 miles straight north to the shores of Lake Superior with the rest of the family following shortly behind\u00a0in a second car.\u00a0 I frequently take this drive and look forward to the entertainment of an audio book, but this time I was driving my husband\u2019s car, which did not have a CD player.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d said Nick, \u201cthe Kia has Sirius radio with about 200 ad-free channels \u2013 you should be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, I approach all technologies, even something as simple as a satellite radio station, with Amish levels of hesitancy.\u00a0 Sure enough, I was flummoxed by Sirius as soon as I got onto the highway.\u00a0 How was I supposed to find a compatible channel as I was whizzing along?\u00a0 I sensed that habitual Sirius users probably create their own personal menus, but how could I keep my eyes on the road and glance at the radio?\u00a0 As my car wavered near the median strip, I realized that I should pick a channel and stick with it.<\/p>\n

So for six straight hours I listened to channel 8, the Coffee House channel, which featured a non-stop extravaganza of Christmas songs.\u00a0 The menu skirted any bona fide Christmas\u00a0carols\u00a0\u2013 Silent Night and its ilk\u00a0\u2013\u00a0but instead treated me to a relentless diet of Christmas-themed ditties, sung by the likes of Bing Crosby and Dean Martin.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My car became a Karaoke bar.\u00a0 I sang lustily along to Mommies Kissing Santa Claus, Roasting Chestnuts and rum-pum-pum Drummer Boys.\u00a0 How strange that I know these lyrics, I thought, since I had no recollection of actively listening to any of them.\u00a0 Perhaps they had unconsciously seeped into some dusty gray recess of the brain and now came bubbling to the surface in the spirit of Christmas.\u00a0 I even knew the words to the Chipmunks \u201cChristmas Don\u2019t Be Late.\u201d (Alvin wants a hula-hoop.)<\/p>\n

At the three hour mark just north of Green Bay Wisconsin, the songs began to repeat and I paused to consider the words that I was mindlessly singing.\u00a0 I began to see a disturbing pattern in the songs. \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0 Treacle<\/strong><\/p>\n

By far the dominant category, this collection presents Christmas in an impossibly sweet and delusional light, including such entries as \u201cChestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,\u201d \u201cWe Wish You a Merry Christmas,\u201d and \u201cHave a Holly Jolly Christmas.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 In this dream world, there is no recognition of Christmas-triggered family dysfunction, when out of an abundance of caution, fractious families are advised to sub in butter knives for the steak knives.\u00a0 Thanksgiving can be stressful enough, and then one short month later, families go at it again, this time with the added perils of gift-giving.<\/p>\n

As a child, I was fortunate to enjoy only magical Christmases orchestrated by my mother.\u00a0 As I tried to create the same experience for my children, I realized that staging Christmas as a Broadway show was a hell of a lot of work.\u00a0 Sirius\u2019 playlist failed to recognize the complicated Christmas infrastructure.\u00a0 Behind the scenes someone must roast all those chestnuts and make vats of figgy pudding.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

If I were to write a Christmas song, it would be an ode to my mother and all the parents who work so hard to make Christmas magical for their children.<\/p>\n

(To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)<\/p>\n

Yes let\u2019s all praise Jesus, but there\u2019s others who deserve some say<\/em><\/p>\n

Remember all those Moms who work hard on Christmas day<\/em><\/p>\n

To save their children from disappointment and dismay,<\/em><\/p>\n

Oh-oh, providing the comfort of toys, the comfort of toys<\/em><\/p>\n

Oh-oh, providing the comfort of toys.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2.\u00a0 Bullying<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think I heard the anguished tale of Rudolph three times \u2013 once in Milwaukee, then in Green Bay and then again in Escanaba. Each repetition fueled a growing anger over the distressing message of Rudolph\u2019s persecution by a group of toxic reindeer.\u00a0 I bet that smug Prancer was the alpha bully.<\/p>\n

Then my thoughts turned to the other classic bullying victim \u2013 Dumbo the Elephant, and his story is even more tortuous than Rudolph\u2019s.\u00a0 He is teased relentlessly for his over-sized ears and when his mother, Jumbo, comes to his defense, she is considered a threat and chained in her cage.\u00a0 Dumbo is relegated to the ranks of a \u201cclown\u201d and suffers habitual humiliation as he is forced to dive into a vat of pie filling \u2013 over and over again.\u00a0 When the movie was released in 1941, the plot line of flat-out abuse and bullying was ignored by the critics, who called Dumbo one of Disney\u2019s most \u201cgenial and endearing\u201d movies.<\/p>\n

I was steaming with indignation as the third version of Rudolph came over the airwaves, but this time the song included a second verse, where Rudolph rips into his tormentors.\u00a0 I momentarily lifted both hands from the steering wheel and cheered the unknown author who sought to redeem the message of this Christmas classic.<\/p>\n

\u201cRudolph was not so stupid for flattery to change his mind<\/em><\/p>\n

Love comes with no conditions \u2013 always sweet polite and kind,<\/em><\/p>\n

Love surely does not envy, suffer long and never fails<\/em><\/p>\n

You guys just say you love me \u2018cause I saved your reindeer tails.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Differences in how we look \u2013 color, shape and size.<\/em><\/p>\n

Give no right to criticize, why don\u2019t you all apologize.<\/em><\/p>\n

Then how their friendship blossomed, they shouted out with glee<\/em><\/p>\n

Rudolph and his buddies lived together happily!\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

3.\u00a0 Consumerism\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Consumerism is of course what gives Christmas its ugly, but \u201cSanta Baby\u201d has got to be the worst as it combines flat-out greed with sluttiness.\u00a0 The version I heard was sung by a breathy-voiced singer.\u00a0 I imagined Marilyn Monroe in a skin-tight sequined dress singing to President Kennedy.<\/p>\n

\u201cSanta Baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me<\/em><\/p>\n

Been an awful good girl, Santa Baby<\/em><\/p>\n

So hurry down the chimney tonight.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Santa Baby, I want a yacht<\/em><\/p>\n

And really that\u2019s not a lot<\/em><\/p>\n

Been an angel all year, Santa Baby<\/em><\/p>\n

So hurry down the chimney tonight.”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There are other verses where the cooing vixen ups her demands including a deed to a platinum mine, and a ring (\u201cand I don\u2019t mean the phone.\u201d)\u00a0 Now if you subscribe to the theory that anything longer than it is wide is a potential phallic symbol, the repetition of \u201churry down the chimney\u201d is hard to ignore.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0 Sexism<\/strong><\/p>\n

A few Christmas songs were implicitly sexist, such as \u201cLet it Snow,\u201d where the man hopes that a blizzard will force him to stay overnight with his girlfriend, but \u201cBaby It\u2019s Cold Outside\u201d raises sexism to the heights of date rape.\u00a0 The scene is a woman who wants to go home, but her lascivious date counters her every request to leave.\u00a0 The song is sung as a call and response duet with the man\u2019s lyrics in parentheses.<\/p>\n

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful what\u2019s your hurry)<\/em><\/p>\n

And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)<\/em><\/p>\n

So really, I\u2019d better scurry (Beautiful please don\u2019t hurry)<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The woman continues to protest, noting that the neighbors might begin to talk, her sister will be suspicious and there will be blowback from ensuing gossip, but the man keeps pressing and pressing.<\/p>\n

The neighbors might think (Baby it bad out there)<\/em><\/p>\n

Say what\u2019s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)<\/em><\/p>\n

I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)<\/em><\/p>\n

To break this spell (I\u2019ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I was now totally invested in this woman\u2019s plight.\u00a0 Good lord, I thought, the poor thing has ben rooffied!!!\u00a0 Will she make it home with her virtue intact?\u00a0 She is seriously struggling as the man moves in for the kill.<\/p>\n

I gotta say no, no no sir (You mind if I move in closer?)<\/em><\/p>\n

At least I\u2019m gonna say that I tried (And what\u2019s the sense in hurting my pride<\/em><\/p>\n

I really can\u2019t stay (Oh baby don\u2019t hold out)<\/em><\/p>\n

Oh but it\u2019s cold outside.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The song left me hanging as they sang the last line together.\u00a0 \u00a0Emboldened by the sensitive soul who offered a better resolution for Rudolph, I offer the following empowering verses to Baby It\u2019s Cold Outside.<\/p>\n

Get your hands off my breast (It\u2019s time to get undressed)<\/em><\/p>\n

Listen my no is not a tease (Now just open your knees)<\/em><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t do something you might regret (You\u2019re just playing hard to get)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0I’m calling 9-1-1- (Baby don\u2019t spoil my fun)<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been trained in self-defense (Now you\u2019re not making any sense)<\/em><\/p>\n

And I\u2019ve got something in my purse (Okay, now don\u2019t make things worse)<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a little thing called mace (Did you have to spray it in my face)<\/em><\/p>\n

Will this lesson be a lasting success (Never again will I mistake a no for yes)<\/em><\/p>\n

My job is done, I\u2019m going into the cold outside.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

5.\u00a0 Anger<\/em><\/p>\n

Somewhere just south of Marquette, Michigan I was treated to an angry rebuttal to all the sweetness and silliness.\u00a0 The artist was someone named Jacqui Naylor who sang “Father Christmas.”<\/p>\n

The last time I played Father Christmas<\/em><\/p>\n

I stood outside the department store<\/em><\/p>\n

A gang of kids came over and mocked me<\/em><\/p>\n

And knocked my Santa to the floor.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Father Christmas give us some money.<\/em><\/p>\n

We got no time for your silly toys.<\/em><\/p>\n

We\u2019ll beat you up if you don\u2019t hand it over<\/em><\/p>\n

We want your bread so don\u2019t make us annoyed<\/em><\/p>\n

Give all the toys to the little rich boys.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

While I admit that Christmas has lost a bit of its luster for me, this brutal song threatened to suck the life out of the good cheer I had manufactured as I karaoke\u2019d my way north.\u00a0 Time to take a break from the Coffee House\u2019s Christmas cavalcade.\u00a0 I drove the last 45 minutes in silence.\u00a0 I pulled up to our house just as a light snow softened the driveway.\u00a0 I hurried inside to ready the house for Christmas before the rest of the family arrived.\u00a0 Time to dial up some Joy to the World and O Come All Ye Faithful.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>Share: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On December 23rd, I set out on a solo drive 360 miles straight north to the shores of Lake Superior with the rest of the family following shortly behind\u00a0in a second car.\u00a0 I frequently take this drive and look forward … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[40,31],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lists","category-music"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-Eh","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2497","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2497"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2497\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2501,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2497\/revisions\/2501"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2497"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2497"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2497"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}