{"id":2616,"date":"2017-11-09T12:20:43","date_gmt":"2017-11-09T18:20:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2616"},"modified":"2017-11-09T13:18:38","modified_gmt":"2017-11-09T19:18:38","slug":"the-lost-seinfeld-episode","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2017\/11\/the-lost-seinfeld-episode\/","title":{"rendered":"The Lost Seinfeld Episode"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I picked up my deck stain at the Sherwin Williams store, I realized I\u2019d stumbled onto the perfect scenario for a Seinfeld episode.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe that the beleaguered Seinfeld writers, who appeared to run out of ideas by the 9th season, missed this one.<\/p>\n

I had just listened to a history of the Seinfeld show on my six-hour drive to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.\u00a0 The audio book went into excruciating detail on the \u201cshow about nothing,\u201d hammering away at the premise that the episodes focused on the minutiae of everyday life, taking a small incident beyond its logical extreme into the realm of absurdity.<\/p>\n

I stared at the array of paint samples in the store.\u00a0 Each had been given a specific name by someone who had clearly gone soft in the head in the process.\u00a0 There was \u201claughing taffy\u201d (i.e. pink), \u201cblue bicycle\u201d which was indistinguishable from \u201camidship.\u201d I didn\u2019t know what to make of \u201cbunglehouse blue\u201d other than it sounded like a raunchy bordello.\u00a0 The color \u201cgrayish\u201d looked exactly gray to me, there was no \u201cish\u201d to it.<\/p>\n

I immediately thought of the comedic possibilities for the character Elaine, who wrote the pretentious clothing descriptions for the J. Peterman catalog.\u00a0 What if she received the assignment to name and to create a story about all the colors in the paint store?<\/p>\n

The following is my script.<\/p>\n

——-<\/p>\n

Scene:\u00a0 Jerry\u2019s Apartment – Elaine and Jerry together.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 Jerry, remember that J Peterman description of the dark brown jacket?<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Yes, the oilskin jacket that is the color of the most beautiful brown horse you can ever imagine?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Elaine: Nods agreement<\/em>.\u00a0 Peterman told me that description doubled sales.<\/p>\n

Jerry: I\u2019m not surprised.\u00a0 You see there are certain young girls who are, quite frankly, obsessed by horses.\u00a0 And when they grow up to be women they still have this \u201cje ne sais quoi\u201d about anything that reminds them of a horse.\u00a0 Some women just go for the horse. Worked for me last month.<\/p>\n

Elaine: (sarcastically<\/em>) Good for you Jerry.\u00a0 Well guess what. Peterman told his brother-in-law his about my way with color.\u00a0 The guy owns a paint shop in the Bronx and wants me to come up with names for all his paints.\u00a0 Thinks I can make them best sellers, that I can make his paint store into a literary salon.<\/p>\n

Elaine opens her purse and hundreds of paint cards spill out.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 Jerry, what am I going to do?\u00a0 How many\u00a0 ways can I describe tan?\u00a0 I\u2019ve got ecru,\u00a0 oatmeal, whey, beige, buff, tawny, taupe, sandy, straw, wheat and chaff.\u00a0 I\u2019m supposed to make up a story to go with all of them.<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Wheat and chaff.\u00a0 I think there\u2019s a story there.<\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0\u00a0Chaff – what is it?<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0\u00a0 Wheat and chaff \u2013 it\u2019s the story of evolution.\u00a0 \u00a0From the beginning of time humans have been separating wheat from chaff.\u00a0 Cavemen did it, Sumerians did it, Dervishes did it, Hottentots did it.\u00a0 Wheat and chaff always separated.\u00a0 Jerry motions to two separate piles.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

You see these?\u00a0 Jerry holds up his thumbs.<\/em>\u00a0 These are opposable. Jerry theatrically touches thumbs to other fingers one by one.\u00a0<\/em> \u00a0You know why we have them, why we are masters of our own domain?\u00a0 It\u2019s because we needed opposable thumbs to separate wheat from chaff, that\u2019s what made all the difference, we\u2019d starve otherwise.\u00a0 Our brains just took off from there and developed these beauties.\u00a0 Jerry taps his frontal lobes.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine: Okay, seeing as I am desperate I\u2019m going to call this one it \u201copposable ecru\u201d and write your\u00a0dumb thumb story.<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Well now, I think you\u2019re on to something.<\/p>\n

Jerry buzzes George up to the apartment<\/em><\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Hello Georgie, tell me what is your opinion\u00a0of wheat and chaff?<\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 Gives a snorting chuckle<\/em>. I hate the chaff.\u00a0 Jerry, I hate the chaff.\u00a0 In a relationship, I am always chaff.\u00a0 Discarded, thrown away like flotsam and jetsam.<\/p>\n

Elaine: What is the difference between flotsam and jetsam?\u00a0 Are they separate?<\/p>\n

George (ignoring Elaine<\/em>): My goal is to rise up to become wheat, strong and proud, I will not be winnowed anymore!!\u00a0 Look what I got in the mail.<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 It a jacket the color of the most beautiful horse you have ever seen.<\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 Yes, this jacket is chaff-proof.\u00a0 And I will find myself an equestrian.<\/p>\n

Kramer makes a dramatic entrance, his wiry hair vibrating with excitement, sliding in holding a box of blueberries.<\/em><\/p>\n

Kramer:\u00a0 Jerry you just have to taste these berries.\u00a0 Bought them down at the market.\u00a0 They are luscious.\u00a0 Kramer draws out the word luscious, over-pronounces each syllable.\u00a0 Holds up a berry delicately between his thumb and forefinger.<\/em><\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 (Turns to Elaine<\/em>)\u00a0 See Elaine, there’s an opposable thumb for you.\u00a0 (Turns to Kramer<\/em>) Kramer what color do you think these blueberries are?<\/p>\n

Kramer:\u00a0 They\u2019re blue Jerry, there\u2019re blue!\u00a0 Here try one.\u00a0 Kramer tries to force a blueberry into Jerry\u2019s mouth.<\/em><\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 No, I mean exactly what color blue.<\/p>\n

Elaine\u00a0 splats out a collection of blues and reads them off – royal blue, denim blue, sky blues, dress blues, ocean blue, navy blue, midnight blue.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 How am I supposed to make a story about each of these?\u00a0 Do you think that flotsam blue can be a color?<\/p>\n

Kramer:\u00a0 Carefully eyes a blueberry\u00a0<\/em>For this berry, midnight blue is not quite right, no it\u2019s more like 2:38 AM blue, and this berry looks like 3:45 AM blue.\u00a0 Kramer dumps the blueberries on the counter and starts to assign each of them a different minute of the night.<\/em><\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Elaine, how about a Kramer blue?\u00a0 No\u00a0problem writing a story this guy.<\/p>\n

Elaine starts assigning everything in the apartment a blue color.\u00a0 Jerry’s bicycle blue, chipped radiator blue, worn bedspread blue and comfy couch blue.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 C\u2019mon Jerry, give me some good adjectives that I can work with.<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Persnickety, phlegmatic, debonair, obstreperous.\u00a0 These very fine adjectives deserve their own color.<\/p>\n

Cut scene to George waiting in line at the dry cleaners next to a woman.\u00a0 The woman touches his arm.<\/em><\/p>\n

Woman:\u00a0 Excuse, me where did you get this coat?<\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t happen to be an equestrian, would you?<\/p>\n

Woman:\u00a0 Yes, how did you know?\u00a0 Your coat, there is something about it.\u00a0 It reminds me of my horse Pally.\u00a0 My best friend growing up.<\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 You know, I think that this brown is just the color of your hair.<\/p>\n

As the woman shakes her hair, she gives a little neigh.<\/em><\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 \u00a0And your eyes, they are so blue.\u00a0 They remind me of something.\u00a0 Have you heard the Legend of the Blue-Eyed Horse?<\/p>\n

Woman (breathless<\/em>):\u00a0 Oh, tell it to me.<\/p>\n

As they walk out the store, George starts his story.<\/em><\/p>\n

George:\u00a0 It is an Indian legend I believe, of a horse that ran free, refused to be tamed.\u00a0 With blue eyes that seemed to change color with the time of day and with the season \u2013 some days they were misty morning blue, frolic blue, moody blue, come hither blue\u2026.<\/p>\n

The woman strokes the jacket and walks arm in arm with George.<\/em><\/p>\n

Cut to Jerry’s apartment.\u00a0 He is eating a bowl of Cheerios watching the television news:<\/em><\/p>\n

TV Announcer: Who would have thought that a paint store and the literary intelligentsia would ever collide?\u00a0 But it has here in the Bronx.<\/p>\n

Scene cuts to a long line outside the paint store<\/em><\/p>\n

TV Announcer: Here in this store, you don\u2019t just buy a paint color, you buy a story, and even famous authors are getting in on the act.\u00a0 Norman Mailer has described a whole suite of army green colors, Noam Chomsky, the father of linguistics, has given a lecture on the emotional impact of color, and Richard Prum, Darwin expert, has spoken on the evolution of beauty.<\/p>\n

And here is the genius behind this happening. Elaine Benes.\u00a0\u00a0Miss Benes, tell me how you came up with this idea?<\/p>\n

Elaine: (looking dazed and speaking in a scripted monotone<\/em>) Every color combines a name and a story and we are inviting New Yorkers to write that story.<\/p>\n

TV Announcer:\u00a0 How does it work?<\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 Each week we invite people to match a color to an adjective, and write a story about it.\u00a0 The winner will get 2 gallons of paint.<\/p>\n

TV Announcer:\u00a0 I see that the adjective for this week is phlegmatic.\u00a0 What colors have people chosen?<\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 We have seen a lot of reds, but there are also some\u00a0 yellows flecked with green. (Coughs a little<\/em>) It’s not to my taste, if you know what I mean.\u00a0 And also, for a small fee, you can also name one of the colors after yourself.<\/p>\n

As he watches, Jerry drops his spoon, mouth hangs open.<\/em><\/p>\n

TV Announcer:\u00a0\u00a0Here is the owner Adolf Hessler.\u00a0 Come on in here sir.\u00a0\u00a0Cut to Hessler, an enormous man, untucked shirt, unkempt hair, visible hair growing out of ears, chewing a cigar.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>Mr. Hessler, what is your best-selling paint?<\/p>\n

Hessler:\u00a0 Anything that has to do with a horse sells.\u00a0 Blue-eyed horse \u2013 just got that in last week and we are already out of it.<\/p>\n

TV Announcer:\u00a0 Why do you think that is?<\/p>\n

Hessler:\u00a0 Dunno, but there\u2019s something about women and horses.\u00a0 And then 12:04 AM Blue sells much better than midnight blue.<\/p>\n

TV Announcer:\u00a0 Any thoughts on naming a color after you?\u00a0 Your name Adolf Hessler\u2013 pretty evocative I would think.\u00a0 (Hessler scowls and stomps off.\u00a0 Announcer attempts to reel him back to the conversation<\/em>) Not that there\u2019s anything wrong with that\u2026<\/p>\n

Cut to Jerry\u2019s apartment as he buzzes Elaine up.\u00a0 Elaine arrives with a triumphant smile.<\/em><\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 Jerry, I’m a hit, New York loves me.\u00a0 Jane Pauly and Gene Shalit want to interview me on the Today Show.<\/p>\n

Jerry:\u00a0 Are you kidding me?\u00a0 A paint named after Adolf Hessler \u2013 not there\u2019s anything wrong with it\u2026<\/p>\n

Elaine:\u00a0 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but here\u2019s the thing Jerry.\u00a0 These contests are getting people to pay \u2013 I mean people are paying for this.\u00a0 We\u2019re raking in the money.\u00a0 Ed Koch wants to have a paint named after him. \u00a0I told him to act quickly because we are running out of blues.\u00a0\u00a0This is pure profit.\u00a0 Even better everyone else\u00a0is writing the stories for me.\u00a0 I\u2019m just sitting here as the stories roll in.\u00a0 It\u2019s genius Jerry.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ve invented something.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to call it crowd sourcing. Whadday think ?<\/p>\n

End<\/em><\/p>\n

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When I picked up my deck stain at the Sherwin Williams store, I realized I\u2019d stumbled onto the perfect scenario for a Seinfeld episode.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe that the beleaguered Seinfeld writers, who appeared to run out of ideas by … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pot-pouri"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-Gc","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2616"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2622,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2616\/revisions\/2622"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}