{"id":2633,"date":"2017-12-27T17:30:14","date_gmt":"2017-12-27T23:30:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/?p=2633"},"modified":"2017-12-27T17:30:14","modified_gmt":"2017-12-27T23:30:14","slug":"final-expenses","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2017\/12\/final-expenses\/","title":{"rendered":"Final Expenses"},"content":{"rendered":"

Who wants to hear the word death out loud?\u00a0 For advertisers, the answer is nobody, and they work hard to avoid this basic fact of life.\u00a0 Pharmaceutical ads are required to list potential complications. \u00a0So the taboo word must be spoken, but few can appreciate the word death midst dreamy images of puppies and walks along the beach.<\/p>\n

Those watching crummy TV or afflicted with insomnia are treated to the machinations of the death industry itself. \u00a0Typically a middle-aged couple bemoans the fact that they\u2019ve been forced to shell out coveted savings for their parents\u2019 funeral.\u00a0 They don\u2019t look pissed, but underneath I bet they\u2019re seething.\u00a0 Then a cheerful neighbor pops in to report that she just got her check from Dominion Life, which paid for her father\u2019s \u201cfinal expenses.\u201d\u00a0 The obvious solution to avoid lingering resentment is a burial policy to pay for funeral expenses \u2013 the casket, the flowers, the plot and various other sundries.\u00a0 \u00a0However, the word funeral, burial or death is never uttered during these ads.<\/p>\n

I am the target demographic for these advertisers.\u00a0 Recently flushed out of the sandwich generation myself, I admit that vague thoughts of mortality have inched their way forward, but I\u2019m irritated by the bland euphemism of \u201cfinal expenses.\u201d \u00a0The word \u201cdeath\u201d may seem a bit harsh, but why not take advantage of the creativity of the English language and use the clever and amusing euphemisms for death?\u00a0 Lighten up and make it fun.<\/p>\n

Here is my script for a \u201cfinal expenses\u201d ad.\u00a0 I\u2019ve tried to use as many expressions as possible, but the sheer number suggests that different expressions could be rotated through to create a whole campaign.<\/p>\n

Warning:\u00a0 The following ad may contain material that is offensive to sensitive viewers who are uncomfortable with the reality of death.\u00a0 However, this ad does not contain the \u201cD\u201d word, but instead uses the colorful idioms that enliven our English language.\u00a0 Motivated viewers are referred to Mark Twain\u2019s essay \u201cDeath in Nevada\u201d where a rustler and a clergyman talk in their own euphemisms for death, and as a result are incomprehensible to each other.\u00a0 In fact, Mark Twain may have popularized the term \u201ckick the bucket.\u201d<\/p>\n

Scene:\u00a0 Kitchen counter, two neighbors talking:<\/p>\n

Delores:\u00a0 Mindy how are you doing?\u00a0 I heard that your father went toes up<\/em> last month.<\/p>\n

Mindy:\u00a0 Yes, my father finally bought the farm<\/em>, but he was ready.\u00a0 He\u2019d been swimming away from the dock<\/em> these last months and now he\u2019s peacefully pushing up daisies<\/em>.\u00a0 Just look at all these bills for the funeral.\u00a0 Motions to a pile of envelopes strewn across the counter.\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how we\u2019re going to pay for all of this without dipping into our daughter\u2019s wedding money.<\/p>\n

Delores:\u00a0 Mindy, didn\u2019t your parents have Crossing the Rainbow Bridge<\/em>\u00a0insurance?\u00a0 Mine did.\u00a0 Look here\u2019s the check I just got.\u00a0 It paid for the all the expenses when my father joined the choir eternal<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Mindy:\u00a0 Do you think that it\u2019s too late for me?\u00a0 Do I have to have a medical exam?\u00a0 What if I am about to croak<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Delores: \u00a0No worries, a medical exam isn’t required, but if you do kick the bucket<\/em> right away there might be a two-year waiting period for the policy to pay out, and it might not pay out that much more than what you put in.<\/p>\n

Mindy: Hmm.. I think I understand.\u00a0 This is like forced savings.\u00a0 I can either spend on my kids now, or save money so that my daughter can spend on me later.\u00a0 Interesting choice, she\u2019d probably want the money now, and just do an ashes to ashes<\/em> thing when I sprout wings<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Delores:\u00a0 Mindy, you\u2019re right.\u00a0 Money now is a great temptation, but personally I do want the horizontal phone booth<\/em> when I go to sleep with the fishes<\/em>. I don\u2019t want my family to pay for my cement overcoat<\/em>.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to shuffle off this mortal coil<\/em> with equanimity knowing that my family won\u2019t begrudge the celebration of my big dirt nap<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Mindy:\u00a0 Delores, thanks for this great advice.\u00a0 I\u2019m like you, when I assume room temperature<\/em> and go to my reward<\/em>, I want to spare my children what I\u2019ve been faced with.\u00a0 I want them to throw in my towel<\/em> with gratitude and good cheer.<\/p>\n

End Scene<\/p>\n

The following are euphemisms collected from various slang dictionaries sorted into vague categories.\u00a0 These could go by in a crawl beneath the ad.
\nMob style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wear a cement overcoat<\/p>\n

Sleep with the fishes<\/p>\n

Deep-six<\/p>\n

Mining Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Go up the flume<\/p>\n

Hand in your lunch pail<\/p>\n

Put to bed with a shovel<\/p>\n

Agrarian Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Push up daisies<\/p>\n

Bought the Farm<\/p>\n

Bite the dust<\/p>\n

Go into the fertilizer business<\/p>\n

Examine the radishes<\/p>\n

Picking radishes from below<\/p>\n

Become a root inspector<\/p>\n

Picking turnips with a step ladder<\/p>\n

Become a landowner<\/p>\n

Cowboy Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

The last round up<\/p>\n

Happy hunting ground<\/p>\n

Navy Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Slip one\u2019s wind<\/p>\n

Cut the painter<\/p>\n

Take the ferry<\/p>\n

Swim away from the dock<\/p>\n

Lose the number of one\u2019s mess<\/p>\n

Answer the last roll call<\/p>\n

Go to Davy Jones\u2019 locker<\/p>\n

Cribbage style<\/p>\n

Peg out<\/p>\n

Party Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Definitely done dancing<\/p>\n

Finally got his tab called at the bar of life<\/p>\n

Avian style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yield the crow a pudding<\/p>\n

Turn over the perch<\/p>\n

Swan song<\/p>\n

Frog Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Croak<\/p>\n

Hop the twig<\/p>\n

Travel Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Take the ferry<\/p>\n

Booked on the Gravesend bus<\/p>\n

Go up green river<\/p>\n

Wandering the Elysian fields<\/p>\n

Crossing the River Styx<\/p>\n

Taking an all expense paid trip aboard the Stygian cruise line<\/p>\n

Heavenly Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Meet your maker<\/p>\n

Climb the golden staircase<\/p>\n

Push clouds<\/p>\n

Shoot one\u2019s star<\/p>\n

Sprouted wings<\/p>\n

Cleaned the trumpet<\/p>\n

Cross the rainbow bridge<\/p>\n

Sports Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

A race well run<\/p>\n

Juggling halos<\/p>\n

Climb the greasy pole<\/p>\n

Traded to the Angels<\/p>\n

Cuisine Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ate it<\/p>\n

Lose the number of one\u2019s mess<\/p>\n

Lay down one\u2019s knife and fork<\/p>\n

Stick one\u2019s spoon in the wall<\/p>\n

Worm food<\/p>\n

Vegas style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Cash in your chips<\/p>\n

Throw in the towel<\/p>\n

Deal the final hand<\/p>\n

Philatelic Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Stamped returned to sender<\/p>\n

ET Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Called home<\/p>\n

Author Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

That\u2019s all she wrote<\/p>\n

Permanently out of print<\/p>\n

Shuffle off this mortal coil (Shakespeare)<\/p>\n

Pot Pourri<\/strong><\/p>\n

Curtains<\/p>\n

Pay one\u2019s debt to nature<\/p>\n

Go over to the majority<\/p>\n

Six feet under<\/p>\n

Snuff one\u2019s glim<\/p>\n

Put into one\u2019s cool crepe<\/p>\n

Medical Style<\/strong><\/p>\n

Assume room temperature<\/p>\n

Metabolic processes are history<\/p>\n

Living-impaired<\/p>\n

Tending toward a state of chemical equilibrium<\/p>\n

Wear a toe tag<\/p>\n

Kicked the O2 habit<\/p>\n

\u2026 and my personal favorite<\/p>\n

Baste the formaldehyde turkey!<\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>Share: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Who wants to hear the word death out loud?\u00a0 For advertisers, the answer is nobody, and they work hard to avoid this basic fact of life.\u00a0 Pharmaceutical ads are required to list potential complications. \u00a0So the taboo word must be … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2633","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-such-is-life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-Gt","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2633","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2633"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2633\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2634,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2633\/revisions\/2634"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2633"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2633"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2633"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}