{"id":360,"date":"2011-03-25T00:05:21","date_gmt":"2011-03-25T00:05:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.net\/blog\/?p=360"},"modified":"2011-03-25T00:05:21","modified_gmt":"2011-03-25T00:05:21","slug":"tmi-tp","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2011\/03\/tmi-tp\/","title":{"rendered":"TMI: TP"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>\"\"<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

As I complete my 59th lap around the sun, I have accumulated quite a few pet peeves, one of which was on display that other day as I accompanied Nick on his dog walk.\u00a0 Three times he had to stoop over and dutifully collect the stink pickle, and then pocket it for the rest of the walk.\u00a0 I was very grateful that I was not in charge of the stoop and scoop (as I will be next week when Nick is out of town), but then realized that I was grateful that dogs don\u2019t routinely need a wipe \u2013 after all we cheerfully let them wander around the house and sit on the furniture.\u00a0 Another one of my pet peeves is dogs with upright tails and exposed assholes, but these two pet peeves may cancel each other out.\u00a0 Without the dog\u2019s anatomy, as objectionable as it might be, toilet paper might also be a part of the dog walk.<\/p>\n

These pleasant thoughts led me to ruminate on why humans are the one animal that routinely requires some sort of post evacuation hygiene.\u00a0 Dogs of course can lick, but let\u2019s not dwell on that.\u00a0 Even apart from our obsession about cleanliness and germs, it is just a basic human fact of life.\u00a0 The explanation seems to be anatomical.\u00a0 We are the only mammal that is truly bipedal.\u00a0 Even our simian cousins, the great apes, can only stand up briefly and a visit to the zoo reveals that while they may\"\"<\/a> have the ass for squatting, they just don\u2019t have the ass for standing proud and tall. Our upright posture was followed by the development of our enormous glutes (i.e. heinies, biscuits, bedonkadonks) that gave us the ability (well not me in particular) for endurance running and hunting.\u00a0 The successful hunt then provided improved protein-rich carnivorous meals.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

Once we went bipedal, the blow hole rotated from a visible low maintenance location to the deep dark recesses of our intergluteal cleft where the sun just can\u2019t shine.\u00a0 Our hands were free for multi-tasking and using tools, and our well-fed brains followed suit to create the beautiful synergy that became the reasoning, imaginative and emotional human mind.\u00a0 Man stood up, went hunting, opposed his thumbs, then looked around and said, \u201cPlease pass the TP.\u201d\u00a0 All in all not a bad trade off.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

Some cultures may use water, but we Americans are fully wedded to toilet paper, contributing to a thriving paper products industry.\u00a0 Americans use about 50 pounds per year, which, oddly enough, is up 13 more pounds compared to 20 years ago.\u00a0 Most of the bun wad is made from 100% virgin fiber, which has irritated and frustrated environmentalists, who point out the folly of cutting down virgin forests for a disposable product.\u00a0 Recycled toilet paper, i.e. deinked paper products, is a more logical choice, and is routinely used in institutional settings (i.e. at the ballpark, gas station, etc).\u00a0 However, home-use toilet paper is still primarily 100% virgin fiber.\u00a0 When presented with a choice, most Americans have focused on the more obvious interpretation of recycled toilet paper and have not warmed up to the idea.\u00a0 Furthermore, virgin TP is one of the most heavily marketed tissue products and not surprisingly has the highest profit margins.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The marketing challenge is to simultaneously convey the contradictory messages of strength and softness.\u00a0 To me, strength brings to mind something like Kevlar or burlap, resulting in splinters or rope burn, respectively, but softness brings to mind a delicate rippable material.\u00a0 Lite beer faced a similar dilemma of the contradiction between taste and calories, and their successful campaign featured beer swillers yelling, \u201cTastes Great \u2013 Less Filling!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSoftly Plush \u2013 Shreds Less!\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0I recently saw an ad for \u201cQuilted Northern Soft and Strong\u201d which plays both angles, and tries to get away from the cute soft imagery of soft babies, puppies and teddy bears.\u00a0 \u00a0The woman says:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s time to speak frankly about a something nobody wants to talk about.\u00a0 It\u2019s not just about \u2013 you know \u2013 it also has to keep your hands clean.\u00a0 It has to have strength that I can count on and it\u2019s still soft.\u00a0 Quilted Northern: Protection for a confident clean.\u201d \u00a0<\/p>\n

This ad goes right for the jugular about American\u2019s cleanliness fetish, but I have got to say that shredding and clean hands are probably more of an operator error than any fault of the TP.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

Nick keeps our household stocked in toilet paper on Costco runs to get bulk purchases of paper products and he comes back with whatever is on sale, or whatever has a coupon.\u00a0 The strength\/softness dichotomy is of no interest to him, maybe because he only uses half as much paper as I do.\u00a0 Our current stock happens to be Charmin Ultra Soft; the packaging acknowledges the budget minded by saying \u201cUsing less never felt so good!\u201d\u00a0 The Charmin campaign appears to rely on PR from a nationwide contest called \u201cEnjoy the Go \u2013 Everyone deserves an enjoyable bathroom experience!\u201d\u00a0 For a $50,000 prize, contestants must answer trivia questions about bathrooms, followed by a contest of stacking toilet paper and then\"\"<\/a> tossing the rolls into a toilet.\u00a0 The final event is a TP mummy contest.\u00a0 The winner is anointed \u201cQueen of the Throne\u201d and decked out in a crown, faux sable cape and jeweled scepter.\u00a0 I wish I had known about the contest.\u00a0 I would have nailed it and put it on my resum\u00e9.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I also noticed that the Quilted Northern ad offered a money back guarantee, and I thought I would take them up on the offer.\u00a0 All I needed was to buy the product, and send them the cash register receipt and the UPC code from the package.\u00a0\u00a0 I also had to send them a little essay on why I did not like the product.\u00a0 Hmm \u2026 this might be a little tricky.\u00a0 Although I will admit to occasional, but judicious, dissembling and exaggeration, I consider myself an honest person.\u00a0 However, to claim my refund, I would have to out and out lie.\u00a0\u00a0 I really don\u2019t care about toilet paper, and have never had any concerns about shredding, absorbency, scent, softness, plushness and any other selling point they can up with.\u00a0 In a good faith gesture, I went out to buy Whole Foods 100% recycled toilet paper for a comparison.\u00a0 Both are unscented and weigh about 4 ounces, but the Quilted brand appears bigger.\u00a0 However, it actually has fewer sheets \u2013 242 sheets compared to 336 sheets for the recycled brand.\u00a0 The larger size is probably related to air fluff to make the roll look bigger and feel softer \u2013 i.e. the basis of the old add for \u201csqueezably soft\u201d Charmin.\u00a0 Both have a quilted pattern of hearts on the roll, but I must say that the Quilted Northern brand does feel a bit softer.<\/p>\n

So what can I come up with to claim my refund?\u00a0 I decide to lie, since I feel that Quilted Northern is not being totally straight up with me.\u00a0 Although the TV ad says there is a money back guarantee, it is not on the product itself and you have to go to the website to find the details on the refund.\u00a0 Furthermore, you have to wait 6 to 8 weeks to get the refund, which seems like a ridiculously long time to pop $5.99 in the mail.\u00a0 I am sure that Quilted Northern figured that only a few refund requests would trickle in, and their money back guarantee is really only an empty offer.\u00a0 So here is my letter:<\/p>\n

The missing words in the following poem contain two sets of anagrams (like spot, stop, post), one indicated with *** the other with —.\u00a0 The number of dashes\/asterisks indicates the number of letters in the words.\u00a0 One member of each set of anagrams will rhyme with either the preceding or following line.\u00a0 Your job is to solve the missing words based on the context of the poem.\u00a0 Scroll down for answers.<\/h6>\n

To:\u00a0 Quilted Northern<\/p>\n

\u00a0From:\u00a0\u00a0Liza Blue\u00a0<\/p>\n

Re:\u00a0 Refund Request for Quilted Northern: Soft and Strong<\/p>\n

\u00a0Date:\u00a0 February 22, 2011<\/p>\n

\u00a0I went to the store to get some tissue for my ****<\/p>\n

\u00a0There were lots of choices but I liked the Quilted ones.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Your TV —- says that your product —- all other brands<\/p>\n

\u00a0Keeps you clean and also protects your hands.<\/p>\n

\u00a0It\u2019s 50% stronger to —- any rips,<\/p>\n

\u00a0And plush and soft to absorb the drips.<\/p>\n

\u00a0So I decided to **** the others and chose Soft and Strong<\/p>\n

\u00a0But when I got home everything went terribly wrong.<\/p>\n

\u00a0My fingers were exposed to the **** as the TP wilted<\/p>\n

\u00a0What gives \u2013 isn\u2019t strength was the whole point of being quilted.<\/p>\n

\u00a0So I think that your ad is full of meaningless marketing fluff<\/p>\n

\u00a0And I will be one of the few who —- to call your bluff<\/p>\n

\u00a0My reason is that you fell flat on your 50% stronger boast<\/p>\n

\u00a0And in 6 weeks I will expect my refund by return —-.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0Answers: buns, spot, tops, stop, snub, nubs, opts, post<\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>Share: \"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 As I complete my 59th lap around the sun, I have accumulated quite a few pet peeves, one of which was on display that other day as I accompanied Nick on his dog walk.\u00a0 Three times he had to … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-360","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-such-is-life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7iVc8-5O","post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/360","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=360"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/360\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":366,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/360\/revisions\/366"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=360"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=360"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=360"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}