{"id":590,"date":"2011-08-03T14:10:04","date_gmt":"2011-08-03T14:10:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.net\/blog\/?p=590"},"modified":"2011-08-06T16:57:44","modified_gmt":"2011-08-06T16:57:44","slug":"i-cant-believe-its-not-buttery","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fanagrams.com\/blog\/2011\/08\/i-cant-believe-its-not-buttery\/","title":{"rendered":"I Can&#8217;t Believe It&#8217;s Not Buttery"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The quick trip to the grocery store was pathetically mundane.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I was simply there to pick up the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies, but at the egg case I found myself caught in a morass of conflicting humane, ethical, economic and nutritional decisions.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I normally reach for the standard Grade A large eggs, but this time paused to consider the different egg options, which included the following:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Vegetarian \u2013 presumably to appeal human vegetarians who have extrapolated their sensibilities onto chickens, who when given the opportunity, are actually carnivorous grub eaters.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">This strategy may also appeal to those who are fearful of mad cow disease in chickens forced to eat icky meat byproducts.<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Organic \u2013 appealing to those who believe healthier chickens will lead to healthier and tastier eggs.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Organic eggs come from chickens that have not been exposed to pesticides or antibiotics, either personally or in their food.<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Cage Free &#8211; While the term \u201ccage free\u201d is self explanatory, the deception is that the chickens are still tightly confined into a coop.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">While cage free may appeal to<a href=\"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/buttery-cage-free.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-594\" title=\"buttery cage free\" src=\"http:\/\/www.fanagrams.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/buttery-cage-free-150x150.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" \/><\/a> our humanitarian sympathies, it still sounds like a very grim existence.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The chickens may never see the light of day and live in filth and an overwhelming stench, but at least they can stand up and possibly walk around.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">One carton proclaimed that not only were the chickens cage free but the eggs were \u201claid in nests.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The carton had a drawing of a chicken that looked downright comfy in a nest of straw.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Generally suspicious by nature, I began to wonder whether the drawing was a gross exaggeration and if there was a standard definition of a nest.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Free Roaming\/Free Ranging &#8211; \u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">It turns out the that the US Department of Agriculture has a standard definition of free range, but it falls woefully short of the pleasant concept of chickens frolicking in a farmyard, to wit: \u201cProducers must demonstrate to the Agency that the poultry has been allowed access to the outside.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The key word here is \u201caccess,\u201d meaning that the chicken must be highly motivated to seek out the door, which may be way across the pen, which may not be visible and which may only be open periodically.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">And of course, what is the nature of outside \u2013 specifically is there any nature outside?<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Does the door lead to a blazing hot parking lot; is there any food out there or other enticements?<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Why would the chicken cross the pen to get to the other side?<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">One carton of eggs noted that the chickens got \u201clots of exercise.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I was curious about this notion and thus called the 800 number printed on the carton.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I got a surprisingly frank answer from the customer service representative who said, \u201cLots of exercise \u2013 that\u2019s more propaganda and hype than real exercise.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The chickens just have to walk to get their food and water since they are not in individual cages.\u201d<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Another carton of eggs noted that the chickens had \u201caccess to clean water.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">There\u2019s that pesky word \u201caccess\u201d again, suggesting that it is the chickens\u2019 own damn fault if they don\u2019t have the sense to take advantage of the luxuries that are provided to them.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Besides, it also seems to me that access to clean water is a uniquely human requirement that may have little appeal to a chicken.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Wild animals drink whatever water \u2013 muddy, silty, dirty \u2013 that is available to them.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">After some deliberation, I selected Phil\u2019s Farm Fresh Eggs, which showed a drawing of friendly Phil wearing thick black glasses and a porkpie hat, cradling a chicken in his arms. \u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">These organic, vegetarian, cage free, nest laid, American Humane Association monitored eggs were $3.56 per dozen, about twice as much as the cheapest and presumably cruelest eggs, but less than some eggs that were merely organic.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The middle of the road is usually a reasonable place to start.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">As you may have guessed, overthinking (particularly about words) is a favorite pastime on an otherwise do-nothing afternoon, so when I got home, I spent some time researching the rules of product labeling and \u201cstandards of identity.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">While poultry and meat are under the purview of the USDA, processed foods are the responsibility of the FDA. With advent of cheap products and inventive advertising in the 1920s, the FDA sought to provide standard definitions for common products, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">For example, consumers were duped into buying jelly that was basically nothing more than sugar, food coloring, and a splash of token fruit, the amount of actual peanuts in peanut butter was all over the board, and bread became the testing ground for all sorts of additives.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Among the first standards were those defining jams and jellies, but how to distinguish them?\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">A popular song at the time of this debate was Glenn Miller\u2019s, \u201cIt Must Be Jelly \u2018Cause Jam Don\u2019t Shake.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">While this would seem to be a reasonable standard of identity, the FDA adopted an only slightly less subjective approach \u2013 i.e. consulting old family recipes dating back some 200 years, and determined that jam had to contain 45% fruit.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Public hearings regarding the peanut content of peanut butter took 20 weeks and produced 8,000 pages of transcript.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The \u201cbread wars\u201d were fought over the use of softeners in dough.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Some bright marketer had discovered that consumers judged the freshness of bread by how soft it felt though the packaging, hence the use of softeners, which had nothing to do with freshness.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Was this deceiving the public?<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">My theory is that the bread softness expert realized that his skills were transferable to the toilet paper industry and began working for Charmin to deceive customers with their \u201csqueezably soft\u201d ad campaign.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I think softness of toilet paper as assessed through the wrapper may be entirely due to how tightly the roll is wrapped, and may have nothing to due with the softness experienced by our most sun-deprived anatomy.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Once a standard of identity has been set, the manufacturer probably assembles a swat team of linguists to start dissembling.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">(It is likely that these linguists also moonlighted for Bill Clinton to instruct him on the subtleties of the definitions of \u201cis\u201d and \u201csex.\u201d)<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">For example, many standards of identity apply to nouns \u2013 like butter and chocolate &#8211; <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">but there is no standard of identity for the corresponding adjective, such as buttery. So if a food is labeled \u201cbuttery,\u201d this specifically means that it is not made of butter.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">One brave company decided not to play this silly game anymore and boldly named their product, \u201cI Can\u2019t Believe It\u2019s Not Butter.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Perhaps the next generation product will be called, \u201cI Can\u2019t Believe It\u2019s Not Buttery!\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Same for chocolaty \u2013 chocolaty foods are not chocolate.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Also the word \u201cfudge\u201d is not formally defined and is often used as a surrogate for chocolate that is not chocolate. <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">By the way, the current standard of identify for chocolate is the midst of a heated debate.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The FDA has proposed that the cocoa butter in chocolate can be substituted by other cheap vegetable oils and diverted to more lucrative uses.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 Waikiki<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"> beach may be one possible destination.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">I went swimming their once and the place reeked of cocoa butter, and there was oily sheen in the water from all the tanning lotion sloughed off into the water.<\/span><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">A rule of thumb for the savvy consumer is to suspect any claim that is very specific.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Bill Clinton was the acknowledged master of this type of legerdemain semantics.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">For example, Clinton stated that he did not have a 12 year relationship with Gennifer Flowers, but his denial only applied to the length of the relationship and not whether it existed or not.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-size: x-small;\">\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The most egregious example was his statement that \u201cthere is no relationship with Monica Lewinsky.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">When this misstatement was offered as proof of perjury he responded by saying<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-size: x-small;\">, <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">&#8220;It depends on what the meaning of the word &#8216;is&#8217; is.&#8221; If &#8216;is&#8217; means is and never has been . . . that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement. Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no. And it would have been completely true.&#8221;\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Now let\u2019s apply the same concept to Subway, who advertises that their bread is \u201cbaked fresh.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">While it sounds like there is some minion in the back kneading dough, the word \u201cfresh\u201d only refers to the timing of the baking, but not the freshness of the dough itself.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">So even though the bread may be no longer than a day old, it can be made from ancient frozen dough.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Similarly, the word \u201ctaste\u201d can be adorned with many oxymoronic adjectives, such as \u201chome made\u201d or \u201cfarm fresh\u201d taste.\u201d <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">For example, home made taste means that the product is not made in anyone\u2019s home, it just tastes like it could be.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u201cFresh frozen\u201d <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">is another puzzling concept, but when applied to fish, means that the fish is frozen shortly after it has been caught, as opposed to sitting around for a while before it\u2019s put into the deep freeze. <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The other day I heard a McDonald\u2019s ad on the radio for a new Southern style chicken that that when served with a biscuit was a breakfast item, and when served with a bun was a lunch or dinner item.\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The biscuit was described as a \u201cfluffy home-made tasting biscuit.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Fluffy is a throw away adjective (see discussion of toilet paper above) and home-made taste is also meaningless.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">The bun was described as \u201can oh! so steamy buttery tasting bun.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Buttery tasting \u2013 another degree of separation from real butter \u2013 the bun does not have to be made from butter, and also does not have to be buttery, it just needs to taste that way.<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\">\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<h6><em><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">The missing words in the following poem are anagrams (i.e. share the same letters like post, stop, and spot) and the number of asterisks indicates the number of letters.\u00a0 One of the words will rhyme with the preceding or following line.\u00a0 Your job is to solve the missing words based on the above rules and the context of the poem.\u00a0 Scroll down for answers.<\/span><\/em><\/h6>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">You may think of baby chickens as cute and endearing<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">But one look at the cramped cages will leave an image tragic and *******.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">You\u2019d like to free these hens from this cruel farm juggernaut,<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">But cheap eggs for your omelet has a way of ******* this thought.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">So chickens will have to defer their dream of a free range paradise<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Times New Roman;\">\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">Until our country\u00a0******* a better balance between ethics and price.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">*<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000;\"><span style=\"font-family: Times New Roman;\">Answers:\u00a0 searing, erasing, regains<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nFollow Liza Blue on: <a class=\"synved-social-button synved-social-button-follow synved-social-size-24 synved-social-resolution-single synved-social-provider-facebook nolightbox\" data-provider=\"facebook\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\" title=\"Follow Liza Blue on Facebook\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/fanagrams\/\" style=\"font-size: 0px;width:24px;height:24px;margin:0;margin-bottom:5px;margin-right:5px\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" alt=\"Facebook\" title=\"Follow Liza Blue on Facebook\" class=\"synved-share-image synved-social-image synved-social-image-follow\" width=\"24\" height=\"24\" style=\"display: inline;width:24px;height:24px;margin: 0;padding: 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